Saved by grace 2000
In summer 2000, I landed a graphic design internship at Johnson & Johnson in New Jersey. However, when I arrived at the summer sublet room, it was double-booked and an indifferent landlord told me to find another place. I was entirely new to the area and felt both lost and adventurous at the same time. This is going to be a very different summer than usual! I roamed around with my luggage in search of a police station. I stumbled upon a college campus and asked for help. They placed me in a sorority house where a girl from MTV real world lived. She was shocked that I didn’t know who she was, and told me to sleep on the couch. It was not an ideal housing situation. But eventually I found a better rental room for the summer. Since I did not have a car or license, I took two buses and then walked on a highway to commute to work. One day a sweet intern, Molly, spotted me trekking next to the busy cars and exhaust, and offered to give me a ride to work. We became friends and started inviting other interns to hang out together. One intern had friends at my university “in a Christian ministry”... I had never heard of such a student organization. Curiosity sparked, a group of us decided to take a road trip and see if this ‘ministry group’ existed.
We arrived on Friday night and went to the pastor’s housewarming dinner. (OK, I lost the bet.) I was the only new person there. The pastor wanted to pray and bless this house. He said to close your eyes, pray, and share if you receive something. Then I saw an imagery: A seed fell from the sky through the clouds, hit the ground, and the grass sprouted to be as tall as the sky. I had never received a vision before, obv, so I just shared what came to mind. Everyone froze awkwardly for a bit, but moved onto another person. On Saturday, they invited me to a car wash event. It was my first time witnessing the “joy of serving.” I asked why they were so happy to do a chore for someone else. A few people replied, “We do this for Jesus!” Hmm, okay, this Jesus dude must be special to be able to mobilize so many people without even being here! They invited me to church the next day, and I said why not?
This church was charismatic and it made me feel uncomfortable. So I closed my eyes during the singing… and I saw the same vision from two nights ago. This time, though, as the seed hit the ground and sprouted, my body physically jumped up. The preacher spoke about “if you want to change your life, do it today.” I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to change because my life was just great. I had a good family and friends, I did well in school, most boys liked me, I didn’t lack materially, so what more did I need? But the preacher said, “For those of us who know Christ, life is like this…” I couldn’t understand a single thing he was saying. I was puzzled by the rest of the message. When they said at the end, “If you want to receive prayers, come to the front,” I somehow stood up. My mind said, “oh no, I don’t know anyone here, I should sit down.” But my heart was pounding with curiousity about the Christian life. I went up and people came around to pray for me. I started to sob… even though I had NOT shed a single tear in 15 years (!!) since my dad got leukemia and I decided to be the strong pillar for the family at age 9 (duh). A lady asked if I wanted to accept Christ. I shouted “Yes! YES!” while my brain said, “What is she asking? Who’s Christ?” I guess my soul’s longing was too strong to be silenced. She whispered, “OK, you can say the salvation prayer now” but I didn’t know what it was. She told me to repeat after her and I said the prayer. The other people squealed and hugged me. (Why are they so happy?) We left after lunch to drive back to NJ. For the rest of the summer, I was wondering “What happened to me that Sunday?! My heart is full of joy now, like the car wash people!”
When the senior year started in the fall, I went to look for those people. I joined the “freshman small group” since I was a new believer. But other freshmen bailed and I got to have a 1-on-1 with a small group leader. It was great. I asked many questions and learned about Jesus and the Gospel. No one had ever told me that I was a sinner and there was a Savior who died for me. I realized that I was at the height of my pride, thinking that I did not need God. BUT JESUS CAME TO ME 100% out of His mercy! I AM TOTALLY SAVED BY GRACE. Just like the Bible says. It comforted me to know that I wasn’t alone during all the lonely moments of studying abroad in high school and college, but Jesus was sitting next to me. I thought I knew love and goodness before, but this was a completely next level.
Growing up in Tokyo, I didn’t learn that everyone is a sinner in need of forgiveness. Japan is an orderly and safe island. The crime rate is much lower than the USA. Lost items will most likely be returned to you. No one steals unattended bags in coffee shops. Social pressure is so high that no one stands out. People clean up after themselves and speak politely to one another. I was a morally good child in this society. I tried to obey my parents, study hard, and love my little sister. My parents showed me how to love each other, even when my dad was battling leukemia and I saw mom cry for the first time. I knew that I would gladly give up my life for my sister. People said I had a natural inclination to tend to the weak. I befriended a homeless man at the train station because it was sad to see the grown-ups passing him by without acknowledgement. I gave him the nickname “roll cake” because he had a lot of blankets wrapped around his belly in winter. In elementary school, I voluntarily became the caretaker of an autistic boy in my class. Initially, I noticed that he kept missing recess after lunch so I sat with him to keep company. Then I discovered that he couldn’t open the milk bottle on his own, which was why he couldn’t eat lunch quickly like other kids. Soon he wanted to do everything with me, and the teacher assigned me to be next to him in most classes. Sometimes I got annoyed, like the time in the marching band when he called my name during the entire performance and I had to hold his instrument while playing mine. But it felt right to help him and I enjoyed it. In middle school, I stood up for the rejected and forgotten students. I ran for a class president to bust the teachers for what I deemed as injustice (ah, the youthful exuberance. Sorry mom). I belonged in many groups: the top 10 students squad, the cool kids group, the nerdy literature club, and the bus commuter crew. I was the bridge between different groups because I wanted everyone to get along. But I also felt like I didn’t belong anywhere.
I often wondered what my life purpose was. Somehow it was really important to me, and I felt lost.
There is a holiday called Tanabata Star Festival in Japan, which is based on a fairytale that the star princess and a human prince get to meet once a year on July 7. People write their wish on a piece of paper and tie it on a bamboo tree. Every summer I wrote: “I want to know my purpose.” It is quite lovely and somewhat heartbreaking to read what other people write. I highly recommend going to department stores and other public places with the bamboo decorations in July to read these wishes. They give us glimpses into people’s longings and dreams.
When I flew solo to the USA for highschool, I was still searching. I studied hard to become bilingual and get along with other kids, including my roommate who had never seen an Asian girl before and hated me. I enjoyed setting high goals in academic, athletic, & social life. I knew I could achieve anything if I set my mind to it. But am I living the reasons why I was created? Am I on the right path of life? What is my calling?
In college, I pursued excellence while double-majoring in Communication Design & HCI (Human Computer Interaction, UI design). Maybe my purpose was to design solutions that meet the user-needs in the world? When I wasn’t pulling all-nighters in the studio, I tagged along with friends who partied every week. I remember standing in the middle of a club and thinking, “There’s got to be more to life than this.” I would ask friends why we do the same thing every week, and no one gave me a sufficient answer. I even took a Buddhism class in an advanced Japanese unit. I studied and wrote a paper on the concept of “Kuu 空” (sky, emptiness, nothingness). Is this the ultimate answer to my existence?
And finally on July 23, 2000, Jesus came to me. To put an end to my soul searching. Exhausting striving. Unending rat race. To let me fall back into His arms and know that I’m eternally safe. Unconditionally loved. Everlastingly at peace. Forever living WITH God.
I can never thank Jesus enough.
May I never lose the wonder of Your mercy.
